By David Maillu
Published September 22, 2023
There is a saying that he who has one wife sleeps with herb while she is
sick. This is a heavily loaded proverb that should be considered seriously
by any married couple. It does not talk about sex alone but other matters,
which include aggression, unforgivable behavior, meanness, male
chauvinism, and others. In other words, the wife has to bear the burden of
her husband alone. The statement is sharp on both sides in that husband,
too, has to bear the burden of his wife alone. Add to it the fact that
there are burdens and burdens.
Can a husband who wants to have a second wife get permission from his wife
to marry a second wife under no duress? What wife in her best senses would
give that permission without being forced? Marrying a second wife is not
an easy task for the average husband. Even when the first wife knows her
serious weakness could be solved by the husband having a second wife, she
would use whatever weapons she has entry of a second wife in her homestead
because she knows too well the coming of a second is a direct and great
threat to her marriage. By all means, a second marriage can’t be a glory
to the first wife.
In traditional Africa, one of the reasons acceptable to the first wife to
have a co-wife was in regard to labour sharing. For example, if the
community was hit by a nomadic demand forcing the husband to shift grazing
his livestock which necessitated his long stay away from home, she
accepted that the husband out there having a second wife as helper. If the
family was big and demanding more manpower, it was easy for the first wife
to have a co-wife helper. If the first wife was a barren, it was easy for
her to let the husband go for a second. Marriage was a way of adopting
children since there were no free children in the society for adoption.
The wife also accepted having a co-wife easily is she suffered from a
chronic disease.
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In other words, there had to be a serious and convincing reason why the
husband should have another wife. With regard to addressing that issue,
there are many stories where first wives participated in looking for
co-wives.
The psychology of women has not changed even an iota with the changes of
modern life. A husband is a private property to the wife. However, the
modernity has not brought with it the means of solving some particular
marital problems. Today, no husband is stupid enough to think he can get a
YES from his first wife to marry a second wife. She can be a monster to
any woman who attempts laying a demand of sharing her territory.
However, in life there are situations in which one must make an
uncompromising decision. Divorce is an awfully ugly and expensive matter
which should be avoided in every sense because it destroys the spiritual
foundation of the children. For, it doesn’t matter whatever disagreement
the parents may have within themselves, the children would love to see
mother and father together.
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If there is a serious reason for a husband have a second wife and he knows
too well that his wife would not want to hear any of it, he must break her
will in order to spare the marriage from divorce because the second wife
would be a pillar to the threatened stability of the. Polygamy has solved
many marital problems. Even if it has destroyed some marriages, it has
destroyed much less that it has helped. Therefore, it is NOT a must that
the first wife should say YES to the husband’s decision to marry a second
wife.
However, the husband’s point of concern should be his awareness that, even
if the second wife comes, his biggest liability in his second wife is his
first wife. If she is defeated in stopping the coming of the second wife,
she will try her best in her imagination and ability to destroy the
marriage.
It is stupid for a husband to think or imagine the two wives should like
each other because they share one man. The two women have got nothing of
interest between themselves, other than they are competitors irrespective
of the good reasons their husband had in marrying them.
On the ground, first wives, supported by their children and extended
family, are so powerful that they can easily destroy the marriage of their
co-wives.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful she may be, the second wife is a newcomer
into a well-established home. If she is not clever and compromising, she
could be driven out of that home by the dominant authority of the first
wife. The survival of her marriage, therefore, would depend on how
carefully she plays the domestic cards. She could be a game changer if she
plays the cards well. She will soon discover how easy the husband can seek
refuge in the first wife if and when he is pushed beyond his limits where
he can tell her indirectly, “Pushed to make a final choice regarding whom
I should spend the rest of my life with, I’d choose my first wife.”
It is not unheard thing that, in some cases, both wives are capable
conniving to fight the husband into their common submission. A man who is
managed by two wives is more tied down than a man being managed by one
wife. One wife is a powerhouse. Two wives are double-powerhouse capable of
putting the husband into tears. There is a saying that if you want to
control a man completely, marry him many wives.
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Any man who overlooks what kind of liabilities the second wife can bring
to the family, is courting disaster to think of getting a second wife.
Marriage of one wife is difficult; but marriage of two wives is more
difficult. Traditional philosophy of polygamy is that the husband should
help each wife to live independently, away from the other. Only a stupid
man can think he can accommodate his two wives in one house. Polygamy is
a very expensive marriage business.
